May 1
He Should Have Been a Soldier
My father-in-law should have been a soldier. Although, the man has lived a very fulfilled and eventful life, I think he would have done better as a soldier than at any other thing. And my FIL had been a lot of things. He was a teacher, a lecturer, a banker, an administrator and now he has retired to his farm [plantation more like it] in Ekiti, where he has blended in so well with the local community that if you saw him you would find it difficult to believe he has a PhD in Economics from one of the most reputable universities in the United States.
I take that back.
You probably would find it believable, especially if you know that the Ekitis are one of, if not, the most educated groups of people in Nigeria. People say that professors are a dime a dozen in Ekiti and that almost every Ekiti family has a PhD holder. This assertion I cannot verify but I know that in my wife’s family, there are at least 5 doctors [not medical doctors] and I remember that I used to have a hard time knowing which of the doctors is being referred to during family gatherings as they all have the same surname.
I digress.
Why do I think he would have made an excellent soldier? I am glad u asked! But before I give u the reasons, let me say that the picture of a soldier that I have in mind has been influenced by what I see soldiers do in Nigeria. So, if that perception seems jaundiced and does not fit or represent the image of a soldier you have in your mind, please do not blame me, my perceptions were formed based on things I have seen and witnessed in Nigeria. Perhaps all the Hollywood movies I have watched should have changed that view but you know most of those movies are ‘make believe’ and I probably would have believed them anyway but for some of the things I have read in recent years about soldiers’ conducts in Guatanamo Bay and Iraq.
OK…you are probably wondering where I am going with this. The truth is I am not so sure myself. It is 3am and I should be sleeping but sleep seems to have escaped me tonight. I have a lot on my mind, the ‘chiefest’ being finding a way to handle a very delicate work related issue without it ending in a win-lose situation for the parties involved. I had been tossing and turning on my bed for about two hours, thinking of the smartest approach to resolving the issue when out of the blues the thoughts of my FIL came to my mind. I had asked my wife’s permission to do a post about her father and she had said yes, reluctantly, and since I couldn’t sleep, I thought maybe I should do the post now. Â
Thinking about it now though, I guess thoughts of my FIL and why I feel he would have made a ‘fine’ soldier may have been triggered by what I saw yesterday morning when I went to drop my son off in school.
I saw a soldier, fully clothed in all the paraphernalia of his lowly office [a recruit as we call them in Nigeria], roughing up an okada rider [commercial motorcyclist]. He was slapping, head-butting and kicking the poor dude all at the same time whilst holding his pants in that vice- like grip only soldiers have perfected. The scene brought back memories of a similar situation to mind, the difference being that in that case I was not a spectator. I was the recipient of the merciless ‘shishing’ [beatings].
The year was 1993. I was fresh out of secondary school and I had just made the acquaintance of a young and beautiful girl [who would later become my wife]. Back then, I prided myself as being the substantive yellow pages of all the pretty babes in my area [community], especially in my ‘constituency’-Makoko, but my knowledge and database covered a wider catchment area which included Sabo, Onike and Alagomeji, all in Yaba .
So you can imagine how surprised I was when one day, on my way to school for my final SSCE exams, I saw a Peugeot 505 Evolution packed with 4 girls [also on their way to school] and I realized I didn’t know all the girls in the car. I remember telling myself it was the exams taking my focus off what was really important and I made a mental note to get to know these newcomers and update my database immediately after my exams. Things were going down and ‘awon’ boys didn’t tell me. Chei! World People!
I am not going to reveal how I met these chics and how we became friends because disclosing those methods is tantamount to divulging proprietary trade secrets but what I can tell you is that a few weeks after I laid eyes on them, we became great friends but I got really close to one of them [my future wife] and I am not sure why but it may not be unconnected to the fact that she had the best pair of legs I ever saw, had shoulders that would make a lot of runway models green with envy and that when she looked at me, I had a feeling she saw more than what every other person could see. With her I could be myself and I had a feeling she felt the same way too.
We started dating [well …sort of] shortly after that but I was almost always frustrated because I couldn’t see her as much as I wanted. You see, her father, now my FIL, was very strict. He ruled his house with an iron rod and didn’t allow the girls [three of them] any slack time at all. When he was home, the girls also had to be home. They couldn’t visit anyone and no one could visit them, save for a few female friends. So the only times we saw were those times when he was out of town or when he sent her on errands within the neighborhood and she stopped by my place to say hello. It was very frustrating! The fact that they also lived in one of the few gated houses in Makoko at that time didn’t help matters. If their house was the regular fenceless, face me I face you, buildings that populated Makoko, the type in which you could go in from one street and find yourself on another street when you come out, then seeing her would have been a lot easier.
But somehow, we found a way round the situation. After a while, I had mastered her father’s itinerary enough to risk going to her house without getting caught. I knew when he left for work, when he came home, when he traveled and when Mama [her grandmother and chief guard] took her afternoon nap and when I could go to her house, hide behind their fence and get her to come out of the house without waking Mama up. Although they had dogs, but luckily for me, the dogs were the laziest canines I ever came across. They were always sleeping.Â
So, our friendship continued and blossomed. I was never caught by the father, I saw my woman as much as I could and everything went on well…until. ..
One day, she had come to my house asking if I could take her to any good seamstress and seeing an opportunity to spend more time with her I couldn’t turn it down. I said yes and even boasted that I knew the best seamstress in the whole of Makoko, my Aunt Abike and that she would make the best dress for her without charging her too much money.
On our way to my Aunt’s shop, we came across a man and I noticed she stopped and greeted him. I didn’t know who the man was but I assumed he was a family friend, so I walked on and later stopped to wait for her a few meters from where they were. If I had seen her Dad in person before then, believe me, I would have taken off the way Jerry, the mouse, takes off when he has done some evil thing to Tom, but because I didn’t know, I waited and even walked back to the spot they were standing when the man [my FIL] asked me if I could come nearer. My danger alarm should have been blaring none stop then but I never thought the man who used to come to my house to visit the Aunty Nkechi [the only unmarried tenant in my house] was my girlfriend’s father.
FIL: What are you doing with my
 daughter?
Me: Uhn? Stuttering… hmmm
While I was still trying to come up with a reasonable answer and also back step at the same time, the man grabbed me, soldier manner and I knew I was in big trouble.
FIL: I said, what are you doing with my daughter?
Me: I was…
The next thing I heard was Gbao!. Before I could gather myself to put up some resistance, he slapped me again, Gbao! Gbao!!
FIL: So you want to destroy my daughter’s life? Do you know how much I spend on my daughter every year?
Me: Sorry sir, it’s not what you are thinking sir!
My woman [crying]: Daddy, I don’t know this boy. Please leave him alone.
The man slapped me one more time before I could even say one more word. By that time, people had gathered around us and were begging him to leave me alone. I was also beginning to lose my cool and was trying to lose his grip but the man was too strong. It took the intervention of my brother and some of my friends who had rushed to the scene to loosen his grip. That was how I escaped that day.
I didn’t see my babe for several weeks after that and it took several more months before we could reconcile and get back on track again. We did break up after that for about 6 years but like General Kollington Ayinla prophesied several years ago; Eni t’an to ri e na mi, ni hun o pada fe [I will marry the person I had been flogged for, I think]. I guess we both fulfilled prophecy.
Sometimes I wish I could call my FIL and tell him that I am the same guy he beat up several years ago but my wifey had begged me not to remind him but I have a feeling the man remembers. He is probably too embarrassed to talk about it or like most soldiers, even when they are doing wrong; he believes he was just doing his duty.
61 Comments so far
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eiya, so u have chopped beating for love, lmao! your FIL reminds me of my mum, back in her hey days. IF she saw a guy within a 20m radius of you, you were in trouble!!! now, she has mellowed seriously…
2nd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omo mehn…I know the feeling bro…buh I never chop that kain world class disgrace over woman b4 ooo…
what a story…i love it!!…i miss that…when parents were serious about preserving their children…and men took quite a bit for a woman…and you ended up marrying her!!!…i like it…and the way you described how she stood out from other women…i’m curious about the six year interval…and how you guys reunited…please do follow up…
lol…thats mad funny!!
he prob was also a soldier and has failed to disclose that to u!
lmao…i think you should remind him jare….kai, I actually heard the slap and felt your head move from here…lol
lol, things we do for love eh?
after everything, u deserved the woman. she must know how much she means to you for u to go through all that, and still stick with her. and well, ur FIL did what he believed was right.
at least u can nod ur head ‘what i went through for a woman, and its cos i love her so’
@ Uzezi…thanks…she is a gem and am grateful we ended up together.
@ isha…u can say that again
@Afrobabe…am glad u felt my pain
@Tintin…i shld have known, he had too many military friends
@Gnaija…thats a story for another day.
@ bumight…no be small thing o…i chop am come drink water on top …lol
LOL. What a funny/ lovely story. Na true love be that. Now, nothing can ever separate you from your one and only!
@lol!!he slapped me again, Gbao! Gbao!!(hope u no u see stars? lol!!)
but madam no try o,why she deny u na?
*bros i neva c u for my bunk since………., kilode?*
i know this is supposed to be a serious but please can i laugh? lolllllll.
this Kollington’s prophesy is really true. lollll
i’m waiting for the day you guys will tell your FIL the full story of who his SIL is ?
pele dear. its all for LOVE.
Lol! All’s well that ends well i guess.
His silence on the matter may also have something to do with Auntie Nkechi….
blackjames….
I’ll respond to your throw-down shortly.
Just have my hands full at the moment
I don die ooooo. Chei, you no go kill me with laugh sha! I remember those days of organizing Under G runs to meet bobos because we dey fear popsy.
lol….eh ya, i wonder his expression if u ever tell him u were d same guy… btw, i like ur blog
How did you design your header?
heheeehheee!!!! Loved! Loved! Lovedddd it!!!
I proudly proclaim that i’m an ekiti woman and yes your are right about it being the true fountain of knowledge.
I don’t like Soldiers, the picture you have of them is the same one i do and the same one ‘Fela’ did before he died, which is one of the reasons Zombie (by Fela) is still one of my fave songs!
Its so cute that you ended up marrying your wife… ‘Eni ti won to ri e na e’
LOL@Kollington quote.
Chei, things we endure for love.
Have a nice week, and my love to sexy eyes.
eh ya. pele. those slaps must have left indelible mark on u. @ least, now u know not 2 mess with his daughter becuz e fit do an encore on u
Hope u don’t get me fired today. At work and can’t stop laughing. U truly suffered for love and I’m glad u had a happy ending.
“But somehow, we found a way round the situation. After a while, I had mastered her father’s itinerary enough to risk going to her house without getting caught. I knew when he left for work, when he came home, when he traveled and when Mama [her grandmother and chief guard] took her afternoon nap and when I could go to her house, hide behind their fence and get her to come out of the house without waking Mama up. Although they had dogs, but luckily for me, the dogs were the laziest canines I ever came across. They were always sleeping.”
- Bond. James Bond. I see you have been up to your trade for many years now
“My woman [crying]: Daddy, I don’t know this boy. Please leave him alone.”
- chei, she denied you like Peter denying Jesus.
“My danger alarm should have been blaring none stop then but I never thought the man who used to come to my house to visit the Aunty Nkechi [the only unmarried tenant in my house] was my girlfriend’s father.”
- ai tete m’ole. The man recognized you and decided to take the initiative lest you betray his secret thus he whipped you senseless.
Love does conquer all sha.
@ Naapali[2P Mini Skirt]…Doc, u know it takes one to know one.
@IMOW…Please don’t let them fire u o…that wont be funny a rall
@FFF…hmmm…no wonder the woman dey follow me make yanga sometimes.
@Omosewa…thgs we do for love…no be small thg o
@efbabe… Glad u loved it. How Jaybaba?
Catwalq…www.ibeananaba.com [he is the man!]
@ Anon…thanks for stopping by
@ NaijaChickito…with this woman, na till death do us part o
@ Original Mgbeke…i had a feeling u would have experienced such…howz original mgbafo?
@ isha and Darkelcee…things we do for love
i dey o. just updated my page… how body?
U’s a crazy dude!
Keep it up bro!
1 luv
just checking up on u, lol
*how u?*
omo, e be like say i no fit afford the guy o…..
ROTFLMAO for real!
i wish my father had done that to some guy too…lol. wetin ur FIL dey do for aunty Nkechi’s place na? yarn abeg!
the way u talk about ur wife makes marriage sth to look 4ward to, enviable.
i think u should tell him u were the one he roughed up jo, so he can undertand that u never meant to destroy his daughter’s life despite how much he soent on her yearly…lol
and yea, u are sooo ryt about Ekiti peeps, why else do u think i’m so smart…lol. and i’m guessing it’s one of the reasons u married from my state.
p.s. i dont understand what it is with educated ekiti men and farming!they just almost always end up doing it.
You just killed me with laughter. Your FIL beat the shege out of you and you still no fear to go marry im daughter. Dats wat love can do. I bet ya the ’soldier man’ still remembers. hahahahah!! You are hilarious. Howz the family? I’ll go read your older posts later and see how much I’ve missed.
How hilarious! I can feel the slaps. Abeg, don’t remind the old man of the incident, oh.
This was way too funny.
That’s such a beautiful and poignant story… It really shows how much you guys care for each other. Yay to Love!
Meanwhile, I hope the issue at work finds a peaceful resolution.
How’s the little bundle of joy (not so little anymore since he can shout NEPA! :))?
@ Sula…Thanx for the concern… the issue is being resolved. B is fine…he’s learnt a few more words.
@SSD… how bomboy and the rest of the crew?
@ Mommy…the fam is fine. Long time. How u dey?
@ Smart[agd]…the gist abt Aunt Nkechi is for anoda day.
@ catwalq… why not contact him first…u never know
@ ibe…u know well…i don dey find small small biz for u now…make u remember me when u get to ur kingdom o
@isha…am off to ur place right now
Bet you were shaken and stirred as those slaps were landing (if you pardon the pun Hehehe) Dude, I have two daughters and never mind the eldest is only four, I’m preparing for chaps like you who’ll come lurking around. No sympathy here O… It’s all in the quest for love.
this is so my father..the man na real protector..lol
that was a nice story tho.
“disclosing those methods is tantamount to divulging proprietary trade secrets”. you don marry now, so disclose the secrets
a lot of abuse went on in those days that cannot happen now. i would remind him
Men, i would have told him… Love is good. It is only in love you can chop good slap like this and still “dobale” to get Iyawo
Oga James Bond, wey ya update na???
Erm…excusez moi, but how is it that Undacovasista, ladyguide and tobenna’s comments do not warrant responses?
Me, i’m just sayin’…..
An accurate knowledge of ourselves makes us suspicious of others. It’s what made your FIL launch an RPG at you. That was an interesting recollection.
Undacovasista…no be so…no vex, e be like say na the slaps still dey worry me. I don respond to ladyguide and i am still waiting for tobenna to do his tag.
Laspapi…RPG???
Allied…no be idobale only o…i begged to marry her too…after i don submit 42 tubers of yam an plenit other things…walai, its a woman’s world!
Ekoakete…take it easy o…na person daughter u marry too o
Original Mgbeke…soon my sista..soon
Jinta…are u sure similar thgs are not happening now still?
Soupasexy…please dont tell me ur Papa too na jugunu?
Hey..how una dey?
Just passed by to check on you…
Thats quirk about you ’swallowing’ your tummy to be able to see your belt really cracked me up.
But i hope you doing good?
Lol at story and Naapali’s comments. U be good storyteller oh.
I agree with Naapali, FIL slapped daylights out of U not only to protect his daughter but to protect his ’secret’.
Dis-amn, I’m late.
Thats actually a great story. Its the kinda story you keep and tell ova and ova and ova and….
hmm.i feel u.grew up in the barracks so i saw drama all the time.Then,guys avoided my house like mad.after chopping slaps,u still come back to dobale,chei,see what love can do.bros,ur own is real love oh.
Jaybabe…i’m aight…what have u been up to…u refused to finish that story…abeg go finish am now
Naijlines…a’tete mole…the man na sharp man jare
la reine…its one i plan to tell my children…wifey gets embarrassed every time i tellthe story
Shalewa…ur name is sexy…ts one of my wife’s names…i think its my favorite…i usually call the full name…
Omosalewa[mi]
lol’ thats some crazy story.
you no fear another beating when you showed for introduction?
Came back to read the post again. Still cracks me up. I dey kampe!
ROTFLMAO!!!! e don tay wen i don dey fear other people papa, not to talk of a babe’s own. If e blink more than once, I don cut out… I hail u sha, u achieve ur goal.
FQ…i bin carry enuff protection with me for the ‘intro mimo’
Mommy…2ce in one post? I see u r truly back.
Unnaked…It paid off eventually shey?
oya update now? kilode?
UPDATE!
My good man. whatagwan? how u do? enjoying this your blog but wondering whatever happened to brother Richard? did he find his way back?
i just saw ur reference to Ibe Ananaba @ lighty’s place. how do u know him?
In-law mi atata, i’m fine. Just anxious about something…*sigh*
How’s my sexy eyes?? And please update, thank you kindly!
In-Law…it is well!
i swear, i had posted a comment b4…guy, see slap? wich kind life? abeg tell the man say na you him slap like that but that you stil made it..hee hee…abi you too plan to slap your own future SIL
lol!
How I wish u cld tell him.
U n wifey truly fufil prophesy.
LMAO! the guy just reminded me of my father. lol only difference my father is a real soldier! Believe me you don’t need to tell him, he knows!
Man, I enjoy your articles, very natural and Lagosian 2 d core. Keep it up. BTW, im so damn sure ur FIL remembers you, like u said he’s just too embarrassed to talk about it. You know people who’ve messed up other people’s lives are usually overprotective of their daughters and the good thing is those slaps didn’t sound in vain, you got your gal locked down for life.