Jan 30
The Man With The Golden Gun
My Mum, Iya Segun, can be too frank. If she had something to say, she said it without any recourse to who might be listening to her [who probably shouldn’t hear what she had to say in the first place]. If she felt a need to correct you or tell you something, she did so anywhere, anytime, most times, without thinking she might be embarrassing you.
As a young boy, I had to put up with a lot of ‘verbal abuse’, that as some point I used to doubt if my Mum loved me. But as I grew up I began to understand that it wasn’t that she didn’t love me, she just wanted me to change some of my ways and she felt that saying all those things she used to say would make me listen to her more.
While growing up, I was fond of leaving my mouth opened while watching TV or listening to someone talk. I wasn’t doing it intentionally but I just couldn’t help it. That used to get to my Mum a lot. She would tap my lower lip to tell me to close my mouth. Although that used to be so painful, but it was nothing compared to her calling names because of it. I can remember those names clearly even now. Her favorite was ‘elete momorimomo’ [mammoth lips] and I don’t have big lips, at least I think so 
There were times when she would say ‘Broda yo l’oke, eyin la ko ri’ [I am finding it difficult to translate that but I think it means that my teeth is what you first notice when you see me approaching]. That used to be painful too.
As I grew up though, those words didn’t matter anymore; in fact, my Mum and I used to joke about it all the time as I got older and more matured and gained better control of my mouth muscles.
But nothing Maami said in the open can be compared in gravity to what she discussed with you in the ‘closet’. If Maami woke you up at 12 midnight to discuss an issue, then you knew there was something really serious happening and she wanted your full attention and subsequent quick action on that matter. Those midnight conversations usually started with:
Se emi ni iya e [Am I your mother?]
Once she started like that, then you knew you were in big trouble.
I had one such conversation with her one fateful day, although this conversation didn’t happen at the stroke of midnight, I knew it was as important as any other that Maami had called for in the past.
Let me give you some background into that conversation. A few weeks before then, my Mum had complained, openly, that I was receiving too many female visitors at home. She went on and on about how I disappear into my room with these ladies and never come out until hours later and she didn’t know what we were always doing in my room and that at my age I shouldn’t make ‘chasing’ women my priority.
Obviously that didn’t seem to have worked. How could it? I was on a roll [so I thought].
When my Maami noticed that the initial approach didn’t work, she resorted to a different method- the ‘Am I your Mother’? method.
Maami: Ablackjamesbond, sit down; I want to talk to you.
Me: Yes, Maami
Maami, Am I your mother?
Me: Yes Ma
Maami: I don’t think so. Because, if that were so, when I talk to you, you would listen.
Me: I listen to you Maami
Maami: Really? Ok, if you do, then how come I hear these girls still come to visit you whenever I am out of the house? Are you ready to father a child?
Me: Maami, they have stopped coming o. Nothing like what you are thinking is happening. Moreover, they are just my friends.
Maami: Gbe’nu dake! O tun paro fun mi [Keep quiet! How dare you lie to me?],
Are you the only male friend they have? Are you the only boy in this neighborhood?
Se iwo nikan ni olo’ko ni adugbo yi ni? [Are you the only one with a penis in this neighborhood?]
Me: [At a loss for words, and shocked to hear Maami’s last statement]…rara Ma [no Ma]
While she was talking, we heard someone knock the gate.
Maami: Who is that?
Female Voices: Good afternoon Ma, please we are here to see Ablackjamesbond.
Maami rolled her eyes at me, sighed deeply and walked into her room.
48 Comments so far
Leave a comment
fursttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!yipeeee
off to read.
well,wetin i wan talk now? is that the end of the story or there’s part 2? lol
mumsy is frank indeed and was just concerned bout her son and ‘those’ girls.by the way,what were u and girls always doing in ur room?.
i know wot u thinking,curiosity kills the cat,abi.lol.
Lol…so was yours was the golden gun that the girls wanted to always play with? I guess ur mum just didn’t want u to shoot yourself with it…2 funny
Yours sounds like my mother…I even remember her using pomo lips to abuse people…if I was to tell u all the things she used to say that hurt I would be here for ever
unlike yours, my mother would have stayed at the end…basically making it unfortable for you to stay with the girls and daring u to incur her full wrath by going into your room with them…inadvertently forcing u to do the right thing once and for all…mothers!!!
hehehehe u have to come and finish this story o…lol
and i just love mothers…i think i am going to use that phrase in the future “Am i your mother? If i am then you will listen to me” CLASSIC!
LOL!!!Mothers are just classics…so please tell us what happened next because I’m assuming there’s a part 2..lol..so where u really the only guy getting female visitors???..lol..
mama oni mama. so my mom used to tell my bro…..until one day she couldnt take it any more and said” sha ma condomise( just make sure u “condomise”)…..we all burst into laffta.
Shalewa, what do you think happened? As far as I’m concerned, we were always studying.
Shubby Doo…lol@ My Mum not wanting me to shoot myself. I guess u are right. I should have listened. Got burnt a coupla times.
Aloted, that’s the story o…the only additional thing to add is that one of the girls at the gate ended up being my wife. She had come to my house that day with her sister.
ShonaVixen…Well, my brother used to have female visitors too but I think I had more visitors. They used to say I had a head for women. Crayzee!
Mizcynic…i love ur Mom. Very pragmatic woman.
Lol. So you were a baddo when u were younger abi!
Ur mom kinda reminds me of mine. Ur friends DARE not come by when she’s talking to u about sth like that, All of you would have been in trouble. She would have embarassed the crap out of them!
Now she’s seriously toned down
mothers just know the words than can cause a stirring…however, now those words wont give the same effectz…na vex i go just vex…
meanwhile, those chics? were they coming in pairs?…you still get anyone number wey dey good to go?
Now that I am a mother I think i understand ur mum perfectly, Mine preffered to deal with us girls (she has five of us).
I remember an occasion when I held hands with a friend of my brother on our way back from church, my mum pulled me all the way home with my ear….
an I mean that verbatim, the affected ear smarted for dayz.
Hope ur son does not take after you, I can already envisgae plenti “Am I your Father” conversations.
Se iwo nikan ni olo’ko ni adugbo yi ni? Priceless! It’s a legitimate question na, lol.
Being a mum myself, I know one has to be tough on boys or they can gyrate badly…literally.
Well, it seems to have worked out well for you.
lol. very funny. me love ur mother jo. my younger brother here is driving us all insane presently. what method has my mother not used? the calling and talking when everyone is sleeping. the gentle and loving way, the harsh way, the name calling way…
God help me with my future sons
Bumight…I was acting my age, is that a bad thing?
Baroque…you, even if I get dem number, na wolf like you i go give? Make dem come curse both of us when u are done with them abi? I am still trying to atone for the sins of my youth, don’t add to them
Olanike…well, he is my son, isnt he? I will teach him to date and love responsibly and hope he listens on time.
Naijalines…been a while my Sis.How is Mr Strong?
Zayzee…he will outgrow it, hopefully.
Talk about bad timing!!!
Golden Gun indeed. Your mum sounds really fun. I just love the last statement she said.
lmao! u crack me up!
LOL!!! Your such a g8 storyteller!!
Mothers have this annoying habit of being right in the most annoying ways. I love the way you always include some yoruba phrases in your posts!
iru ere won ni aja ba ekun se?????????
cos of those visits there is 007 jnr and little miss bond gal!!!!!!!!
LMAO. Talk about being caught red-handed. lol.
How you dey?
Lol at “broda yo loke, eyin la kori and “se iwo nikan ni oloko ladugbo yi ni”. Ah ah, Iya Segun no pity you o
I do recall the favourite “ebu” - abuse words - that my late mamma usually dished out. Kai, n kan nbe!
LOL!! “we” are here to see ABJB abi? in the words of my friend, you were “controlling” o! so they even used to come in teams
lol @ ur moms directness..just lookin out for you naw..some wuda just banned the chicks and told them to gerrrout personally..thank God she wasnt that type
Afrolicious…terrible timing!
Iwalewa…I didn’t think it was fun back then though
toluwa…glad u liked it. How have u been?
Ibiluv…can’t ekun and aja co-exist platoniclly?
isha…am aight. Howz the new year treating u?
I came to see if you had updated and low and behold what did I find? YOU REPLIED EVERYONE BUT ME:-(
I will accept my apology only in Yoruba!
LOL!
Oh my! Your mother is hardcore! I will definitely be using her technique to deal with my sons.
hilarious title……. oh my mum used to give me those midnight lectures too…… gone r the days!
lmao @ elete momorimomo
so is there a part 2? and ve those ladies stopped coming ehn?
always studying.yeah right!
Anon…e ma binu o. Ti a ko ba gbagbe oro ana, ani r’eni basere.
Anon 2…thanks for stopping by.
SSD…please let the boys sleep; you can say whatever it is you wat to say during the day.
Funms…the ladies have stopped coming. The only ladies in my life now r my wife, daughter and Mom. The rest are just friends, they have always been friends
Shalewa…would I lie to you?
I should be the one praying for you. Really.
lol! Your gun must have been golden.
My mum used to give me mid9t lectures too.
Some how i feel evn now that I’m married she still wants to.
http://streamsong.blogspot.com
Mothers know what buttons to push. Enjoyed the post and hope you will write more soon.
this guy, you are good man
Am I your mother?
Thats the classical line used by all mothers when they want to blackmail you into doing something. And it seems to always work.
My Mum would even go further to describe the process of your birth to you if that first question did not seem to get through.
LOL @ ‘Golden Gun’. Hope you didn’t ’shoot’ yourself too many times sha.
You tell a good story.
LOL@the alakoba babes and the question.
Hows sexy eyes and my newest inlaw? My love to them. Have a great week ABJ
lol…
Are you sure its not the same mother that gave birth to me as well?
Kai..exactly the way my Mum does too except she goes further to butress her point.
She’d add:
‘Emi ni iya re ti o mu oyan re dagba’ (I’m your mother whose breasts who sucked on)
Haba mami! lol
No is that the end of the story? I want more…lol
Bad timing on the part of the girls though..:)
where were these mum from? Pluto
Im sure our mothers are related.
hope i wont be that type of mum sha
Guy she was just trying to save your punk ass! At least she didn’t bounce them from the house like my momma did! Nice one!
Oluwadee…am sure she wants to.
Verite Parlant…my mother still tries to push my button but I know just how to ‘manage’ her these days.
Thanks Mike
NIMMO…shot myself a few times. will blog about that someday.
Omosewa Darling…ur babies r good jare. How is school coming up?
Afronuts…my Mum says that too. lol
Angel… lol. Keeping checking this space for more
Darkelcee…Only God knows. Wouldnt want them any other way though.
Tejiri…Thank god for mothers.
Oluwadee…am sure she wants to.
Verite Parlant…my mother still tries to push my button but I know just how to ‘manage’ her these days.
Thanks Mike
NIMMO…shot myself a few times. will blog about that someday.
Omosewa Darling…ur babies r good jare. How is school coming up?
Afronuts…my Mum says that too. lol
Angel… lol. Keeping checking this space for more
Darkelcee…Only God knows. Wouldnt want them any other way though.
Tejiri…Thank god for mothers.
Oluwadee…am sure she wants to.
Verite Parlant…my mother still tries to push my button but I know just how to ‘manage’ her these days.
Thanks Mike
NIMMO…shot myself a few times. will blog about that someday.
Omosewa Darling…ur babies r good jare. How is school coming up?
Afronuts…my Mum says that too. lol
Angel… lol. Keeping checking this space for more
Darkelcee…Only God knows. Wouldnt want them any other way though.
Tejiri…Thank God for mothers.
Darn.
That gun was still smoking!
Do you still have the gun?
Does it still smoke?
LMAO @ “Se iwo nikan ni olo’ko ni adugbo yi ni?”- Sounds like the kinda stuff my mum used to tell my brothers! lol
I think there is this genetic streak all mothers share!
i cant believe that i just found ur blog…am so mad!
Ma men(imitating Denzel Washington)
What, i just got here in 2010, when others have been here over a year ago, BlackJamesbond Well done ooo.
I use to think my mum was a nut hard to crack until i saw my kids mimicking me without knowing i was ear-dropping;
Ist son:Se eyin omo de yi o moju ere lo,nigbati na books
Daughter:U big boy for fashion and posing,i hope you will change and concentrate on books instead of trying to impress girls
1st son:Mummy in action but she too like to tenu mo oro
Daughter:Iwo Tope,se o copy e,trust my baby-efiwe
1st son:na lie o,i will tell her ur own pass my own but just want to impress her,shebi se too se omode ri.
2nd son:Ma so fun mummy,you people are making jest of her
3rd son:Me i love my mummy even though she can shout